


Fifty Shades Ghostlier

by rowanix



Series: Fifty Shades of Ectoplasm [2]
Category: Lockwood & Co. - Jonathan Stroud
Genre: Crack, implied locklyle, just many many inappropriate jokes, no actual hanky-panky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 16:31:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15561858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowanix/pseuds/rowanix
Summary: The sequel to Fifty Shades of Ectoplasm that literally no one asked for!Contrary to what canon might suggest, the main trio of Lockwood & Co are all teenagers and, like many teenagers, they can sometimes be rather immature. Especially when given a pack of condoms.





	Fifty Shades Ghostlier

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Any accuracies, historically, scientifically, or to canon, are completely accidental. This is pure crack. No actual hanky-panky - as I am but a totally innocent asexual - but a whole lot of inappropriate jokes. You have been warned.

On that midsummer evening, Lockwood & Co sat in the cool kitchen of 35 Portland Row. Holly bustled around making homemade lemonade, while Lockwood, George and I sat around the table, acting, for once, like normal teenagers as we were currently in a competition over who could doodle the most phallic images on the thinking cloth. I was winning, though I was helped by my talent at drawing as well as the skull’s ghost at my shoulder making increasingly obscene suggestions.

Holly set a jug of lemonade on the table and looked over Lockwood’s shoulder at one especially graphic doodle featuring Rupert Graves and his rapier.

“Honestly! I’m going to have to wash this again now,” she scolded, her eyes sweeping the cloth and her lip curling. She frowned at the image I was drawing of Marissa and Ezekiel, as per Skully’s suggestion. “I did always wonder how she managed to conceive. I mean, there was no man ever mentioned, right?”

“ _Exactly!”_ said Skully, though she couldn’t hear him.

“Do ghosts have sperm?” George wondered allowed as I poured myself a glass of lemonade.

“ _What do you think ectoplasm is?_ ” said Skully, right when I’d taken a sip. I started choking.

“Lucy?” said Lockwood, concerned, standing from his seat to round the table and pat me on the back as I continued spluttering. “What did he say?”

“Ectoplasm-” I continued choking. “-ghost-” More coughing. “-jizz,” I finished as Lockwood gave me one last hard pat on the back.

George snorted. “Wait… so the Red Room?”

I went back to choking.

“Didn’t those monks get executed for doing ‘unholy things’?” Lockwood asked, snickering.

George nodded. “I’m calling it now: Monk orgies.”

“ _Good thing you didn’t take a blacklight in there_ ,” said Skully.

“You are all disgusting,” said Holly, though I could see she was trying hard not to laugh.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. I stood to go and answer, wiping my watering eyes as I went.

“Hey, Quill,” I said, upon seeing the man in question at the door.

“Listen,” he said, looking rather sheepish, “I need a favour.”

“What?” Holly asked, coming into the hall with George and Lockwood following behind. Quill didn’t seem pleased at us all being there.

“Promise you won’t make fun of me,” he said.

“Oh, Quill,” said George. “I can’t promise anything.”

Quill glared at him but sighed. “Look, I’m going away for the weekend with Kat and Bobby. Catching up and stuff. And, uhh…” He shuffled his feet awkwardly. “Look, I forgot I had these on me, and it’ll take too long to go home and drop them off, but I don’t want Bobby to find them… he’s so small and innocent…”

“Get to the point, Quill,” said Lockwood.

Quill shot him a glare, then he huffed and pulled something out of his pocket; a little box by the looks of it. He practically thrust it into my hands and then turned to leave. “Just hold on to them for me, okay. I’ll be back for them in a few days.” And with that, he practically jogged away and down the street.

I stared after him, then looked down at the box in my hands.

**_Fittes Condoms: For the Perfect Fitte!_**

_Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, unplanned ghost pregnancy, and death._

_Warning: May contain ghost nuts._

Beneath the title, a picture of Penelope Fittes smiled up at us.

“I didn’t know they made condoms,” said Lockwood, matter-of-factly.

“Oh dear,” said Holly. “Do you thing Quill read the small print?”

George removed his glasses to wipe on his shirt. “Well, now we know what Marissa used with Ezekiel.”

I whacked him with the condom box.

* * *

Later that night, once Holly had gone home to spend time with her totally platonic roommate, I stood in the kitchen fixing myself a cup of tea, because even in the midst of a heatwave, it’s never a bad time for a cuppa.

“ _You know,_ " said Skully, who was hovering nearby, “ _you should pinch a few_.”

“What?”

“ _Condoms,_ ” he clarified. “ _Ya know, just in case you and Locky get all heated like you did last night. You’re not exactly quiet, you know. Good thing George is a deep sleeper…_ ”

I flushed scarlet and lobbed a used teabag at him, but it just passed straight through and hit the wall with a wet slap.

“ _What?_ ” said Skully. “ _I just want you to be safe, if all…_ ”

I went back to stirring my tea, trying my best to ignore him, though I almost shattered the cup clanking the spoon harshly against the sides to try and drown him out.

“ _You’re lucky_ ,” he said. “ _We didn’t have them in my day. Teenage pregnancies abound. Though, most people died at twenty so that was probably a good thing… But you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And I hear you can get them ri-_ ”

“Fine!” I interrupted. “You like them so much? Here.” I stormed over to the table where the box sat and ripped it open, tearing right through Penelope’s face and scattering little foil squares everywhere.

“ _Oi, what are you doing?_ ” he said, as I opened a condom and grabbed the skull.

I ignored him, though he started up a gale and smashed my mug of tea. It didn’t really phase me; I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. So, with difficulty, as the condom seemed to be coated in lube, I tugged it over his stupid, mouldy skull.

“How’d you like that!” I said, dangling it in front of me, triumphant.

No reply.

“Skully?” I said, looking around, but his ghost was gone. I peered at the condom curiously and noticed the ectoplasm swirling within. “GEORGE!”

After a minute, George shuffled into the kitchen, toothbrush still stuffed in his mouth and froth spilling out. He grunted in what might have been a ‘what?’ and I shoved the slimy, skull-filled condom into his hand.

“Happy experimenting,” I told him.

* * *

 “So, as it turns out, lubricant is far more effective on ghosts than iron or silver,” George informed Flo as he and I sat with her on a wall by the river eating sweets. I’d only joined because George owed me a bag of bonbons after he’d scoffed mine the other day while my back was turned. “In fact, lubricated condoms make very effective containers for Sources.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Flo, through a mouthful of liquorice. “Used ‘em to hold Sources for years.”

“What?” I said, almost swallowing a bonbon whole. “So you just carry around stuff in condoms all the time?”

Flo cackled. “Yeah. Really freaks out the relic-men.”

“We ought to experiment on more things like this,” said George, thoughtfully. “You know, there’s actually a high salt concentration in sem-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence,” I told him.

“I dunno about that stuff,” said Flo, “but I did find something in the mud the other day.”

She went about digging through her sack before pulling out a strange chunk of iron. I stared at it, puzzled for a moment, before realising what shape it was.

“Is that an iron dildo?” said George, bursting into laughter.

“A proper old-timey one,” said Flo. “Reckon this made some Victorian lady - or man - very happy.”

George took it from her.

“George!” I cried. “You can’t just touch it with your bare hands!”

“Why not?” said George. “The river’s probably washed away anything too bad.”

“ _Still_ ,” I said, disgusted. “You don’t know where that’s been.”

“Or _who_ it’s been  _in_ ,” Flo added.

“Please stop.”

“Well, this should do nicely for my experiments, in any case,” said George. “We should try using this stuff in the field. Any clients with Type 1s?”

“I think there might be,” I said.

And that was how Lockwood, George and I ended up in a clients house, facing off against a weak Type 1, with a circle of lube in place of an iron chain, condoms rolled onto our rapiers, and a bucket of saltwater to fill condoms with to lob at the ghost.

“You were right George, this is actually quite effective,” said Lockwood, prodding the ghost with his condom-tipped rapier as I squirted bottles of lube at it.

George knelt by the bucket, dunking a condom in to fill it up, but when he pulled it out again, water began spurting out.

“Huh,” I said. “Looks like they’re more effective on ghosts than they are as actual condoms.”

“We’re probably doing Quill a favour by wasting them all,” Lockwood agreed.

George attempted to throw the filled-condom at the ghost anyway, but it sloshed harmlessly in a puddle on the floor.

“So much for that idea,” said George. “Plan B.”

“What the fuck are you doing?” I said as he attempted to tug a condom over his head.

“Hey, if you can get a skull in one, it can fit over my head,” said George.

Lockwood, who seemed to be having the time of his life, helped George tug the thing on, and, I had to agree, he did look hilarious with his face all smushed up inside the latex.

We stood back and let the researcher charge head-first at the ghost.

He made it about two steps before slipping on the circle of lube. As he fell, he grabbed my arm and tugged me down too, and I, in turn, grabbed Lockwood’s tie and dragged him with us. We landed with a thud, and skidded across the hardwood floor that had been drenched thoroughly in saltwater and lube, which, unsurprisingly, is a pretty good lubricant. We shrieked as we slid at breakneck speeds directly towards the ghost, until, at the last minute, I manage to tug the iron dildo from George’s coat pocket it and lob it at the ghost’s face.

We skidded right through the spot the ghost had just been, all the way to the other side of the room, and slammed into the wall before falling back in a tangled heap of slick bodies.

“Okay,” said Lockwood, “no more experimenting on cases. Anyone see where it went?”

“There!” I said, pointing at a floorboard that seemed slightly raised above the others. I shuffled, or more like slid, over to it and fumbled with it to pull it open. The ghost had reformed in the centre of the room now, and maybe it was the fact that we were all thoroughly drenched in ghost-repelling lube, but it didn’t come anywhere near us as I plucked the Source - an old ring - out from under the floorboards and handed it to George, who tucked it into an unused condom. The ghost vanished instantly.

“We should always use these things to contain Sources!” Lockwood said, cheerily. “They work so well!”

“I think I’ll stick to the regular stuff,” I said.

* * *

 We got home a little past midnight, where Holly was waiting for us. She inhaled deeply as we entered, soaked head to toe in lube, her lips pursed as Skully cackled loudly behind her.

“ _I see you kids had fun!_ ”

I ignored him and headed upstairs to take a much-needed shower.

* * *

 The next morning, I came downstairs to the sound of Holly arguing loudly on the phone down in the basement.

“What’s happening?” I asked Lockwood as he poured us both some orange juice and put some crumpets in the toaster.

“I don’t think we’re getting paid,” he replied. “It seems our client wasn’t too happy about coming home to find lube and broken condoms all over his bedroom.”

“Can’t imagine why,” I said, sipping my orange juice.

Holly entered the kitchen, trying her best to retain her ladylike etiquette, though her face was flushed and her hair wild.

“I _told you_ that was a bad idea!”

Lockwood shrugged. “We’ve got cases coming out of our ear nowadays. What’s one Type 1?”

“Unless he goes to the press about it!”

“Ah,” said Lockwood, “didn’t think of that.” Then he perked up. “We’ll go to the press first! ‘Condoms: Effective protection against more than just STDs!’ What do you think?”

Holly rubbed her temples like she was getting a migraine.

There was a knock on the door, and I heard George bustling through the hallway to answer it, but I stood to see who it was anyway.

“Have a nice weekend away, Quill?” George asked, jovially as Quill stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“Yes, yes,” he said, impatiently. “Now, come on. I’m going to need the box back.”

“Ah,” said Lockwood, “about that…”

Quill narrowed his eyes at him.

“We took the liberty of testing them,” said George. “They weren’t very effective. Kind of leaked.”

“Christ,” said Quill, eyes widening. “What did you do?”

“Calm down, we just filled them with saltwater,” I told him. “...And stuffed Sources in them… and rolled them onto our rapiers… and stuffed George’s head in one...”

“And we blew the last few up like balloons and chucked them around last night,” Lockwood added.

Quill pinched the bridge of his nose. “I suppose I should have expected the worst, leaving them with teenagers…”

“Better buy another brand next time you want to see your lady friend,” said Lockwood, grinning at him.

Quill turned a brilliant red. “There’s no… lady.”

“Ooh, a gentleman?” Holly gushed. “What’s he like?”

I put on my best innocent face. “Is he good in bed?”

“That’s it,” said Quill, turning around. “I’m done. Goodbye.”

“No, come back!” Lockwood called after him.

“Tell us about the guy you need a twelve pack of condoms for!” George yelled, loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear as Quill all but sprinted away from us.

No matter. We’d see him again, soon enough. And then the merciless teasing would really begin.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. And also not completely to blame. Discord is full of heathens and bad influences ok.


End file.
